Awesome Disabled

Hey folks, I wrote this about a month ago, but then never published it. So here it is.

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been on here. I am doing fine, but my life has been a sprint recently. My therapist has been side-eyeing me lately, and I know things have been a bit bananas. Work has been cranking up in a strange but good way– this is a good opportunity for me. But it means that I have been hopping all over the place, and a bit out of balance.

Honestly, I’m cool with this. I have lacked balance for the last (checks notes) decade of my life. So this is really nothing new for me. The difference is that it’s something that I want, instead of life happening to me. In the last decade and a bit, I have had two kids, moved house, got separated, moved to an apartment, weathered the Covid lockdowns, got divorced, changed jobs, got diagnosed with autism, gained and lost 60 pounds, changed jobs again, and then bought a house. And changed jobs again. So now here we are.

And I’m sick. Cuz of course I am. My brain and body are exhausted. I have a wonderful slow-growing cough, and general congestion and horribleness. This in turn makes it difficult to get sleep and rest, which slows the healing progress. So now I’m taking a break. I booked off work today, and I’m resting. It doesn’t feel great, but I know it’s necessary.

Sometimes we need to rest. Even folks like me, who keep going no matter what. And when we don’t take rest, we are forced to rest. I know this. And yet here we are. Yesterday, I fully gave in to the rest. I crashed out in bed and my expectations for myself went to zero. I let my kids do whatever they wanted, because I needed to rest. My youngest, Cleo, wanted to go to the corner store for candy. I said yes and asked for some sour gummies for me. When she got back, I happily chowed down on the Sour Patch Kids while I watched Fall of the House of Usher.

Today, the faffing about continues. I have a couple appointments, but most of the day will be full of nothing much. In general, despite the fatigue and the goopiness, I’m in a pretty good mood. If I don’t do this now, it will be much worse later, and I’ve been around for long enough to know that.

I know that rest is a broadly discussed topic, especially in the disabled community, and in the mom community. As a member of both, it’s doubly important that i get comfy with getting comfy. Despite having a heckin’ time at my job, things are generally looking up.

I am still much less comfortable with rest than would be healthy for me. I know rest is important, but it’s hard to feel good about it. My background is Ukrainian Mennonite– farmers and radical pacifists. As you can imagine, their hardnosed pacifism made them unpopular with the ruling class, and they got kicked out of much of Europe before many emigrated to Canada and the US, and South America. We are a hardworking people. We farmed land that was less desirable, and we made it work. We formed strong community bonds and sang and danced. And now we’re all under capitalism, and we’ve lost a lot of what kept us going, but we haven’t lost our work ethic.

All this to say that rest is powerful, and necessary. And if we don’t invite it into our lives, it will force itself in. That’s where I am right now.