Awesome Disabled

“I was having this discussion in a taxi headed downtown…”

If you understood this, congrats! Your taste is impeccable, and you have heard the most amazing album in the history of recorded music. If you have not, don’t worry– there’s still time. Go listen to Graceland by Paul Simon immediately.

In the amazing album is a song called “Gumboots” for some reason, and it is as amazing as each of the other songs on the album. That song contains these immortal lines:

“Breakdowns come and breakdowns go,

What are you gonna do about it? That’s what I’d like to know”

I referenced this song in a text conversation with my friend Celeste. This is how it went:

Me: Wanna hang tomorrow? I was gonna do a run but it’s snowing and eff that.

Celeste: Yes let’s hang out tomorrow

Me: Cool. I’m having a bit of a breakdown ✌️As it goes lol

Celeste: Adulthood

First of all, can we take a moment to appreciate this epic response? That’s why I love her. I went on to talk about the song, and we planned a Starbucks run. Then I slept in and screwed up the timing, but she was chill about it.

Anyway. Breakdowns come and go. I think there’s something freeing and zen about that admission. It feels along the lines of the Mooji quote, “Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go.” Breakdowns are like the feeling-visitors, but instead of coming and going, they burn down your house and then leave.

There’s some rebuilding after a breakdown, but it’s as it goes. As Celeste says: adulthood. It also reminds me of the Death of a Salesman line, “Life is a casting off.” If you try to defend your house against an approaching breakdown, you end up with more to lose than if you just let it come.

You could probably notice that I have been “not my usual self” on this blog, because my last post is from the holidays, and it is currently the end of April. As you know, I bought a house, so there’s that, but that’s actually been going pretty well. I have new carpets and a new furnace, and will be having new triple-pane windows installed. So all’s well.

What has actually tilted me off my axis is my work. I was asked to take on more responsibility at work, and of course I said, “HECK yes!”

It’s been going well, but I’ve been exhausted. The rest of my life has suffered as I have added endless extra spinning plates at work. I didn’t mind, and still don’t mind, because it raises my profile and ultimately is a benefit to me in my career. There are times to walk and there are times to sprint. This has been a time to sprint.

Now things are slightly more stable, and there’s a breakdown coming. Sometimes breakdowns are kind, because they wait until the sprint is over. It’s like when my grandpa had a seizure after driving for 24 hours. He got there safely, but then things went downhill.

I’m not fighting the breakdown; I’m letting it come and go. I’m dancing in the chaos and ashes, knowing that what I rebuild will be better.