Awesome Disabled

I’ve been having a huge issue with doors in my life. My patio door got stuck open, and when I tried to close it, I wrenched it off the tracks. It was a -30 week, so I definitely needed my doors to be working properly.

Then, a couple of days later, I noticed as I tried to open the trunk of my car, the handle part was getting looser and looser. Finally, one day, I yanked it all the way off while I was parked in front of the dollar store. I sheepishly pushed it back on, and bought some dollar store duct tape to hold it on.

So we’ve been slithering around the back seat to get things from the trunk. And, although a maintenance person managed to get the patio door back on track, it’s still a bit touch-and-go.

Plus, my youngest has gotten a new set of our apartment keys, and has been practicing going in and out of the apartment on her own.

Lots of doors.

Doors aren’t something we usually spend a lot of time thinking about, so it’s been interesting to be pondering doors at every turn.

I feel like it’s a bit of a metaphor for how my life has been going as well. Lots of doors closing, and some others opening for me. You know the old chestnut: “When god closes a door, he always opens a window.”

My marriage ended. Door closed.

Quit my job shortly after my marriage ended. Door closed.

Feeling disconnected. Door closed.

But, as in the old saying, these closing doors have allowed for me to walk through some other open doors.

Started a new job. Door opened.

Saving for a house. Door opened.

Dreaming about my career next steps. Door opened.

Doors are a weird liminal space in life, crossing the threshold from one place to another. Doors represent transitions, a constant reminder that we are traversing space physically and mentally. Ending our time in one place and beginning it in another. I think it’s a good reminder that nothing is permanent, and that we are all “time beings” (as in the novel, “A Tale for the Time Being” by Ruth Ozeki— an amazing read!).

I have had almost nothing but transitions in my life since, well, birth, so it can be difficult for me to feel stable. I get used to being in the doorways of life. But I’ve been challenging myself to let the doors close, and to feel comfortable where I am. There’s a lot of joy, and a lot of connection, where I am.

I managed to call the mechanic and book an appointment during my week off work, to fix my trunk door. And I bought a can of WD40 for my patio door, to try to get it unstuck.

We will never be free from doors, or from transitions. It makes sense to make peace with them, and to try to help them move as smoothly as possible.