Awesome Disabled

There’s an unnamed terror in being on my own on a job search. No one to talk to, to reassure me, to encourage me. Just the four walls of my brain.

There’s also a special hell in being a disabled woman on a job hunt. I have been “sucking it up” for decades, toeing the company line whether I wanted to or not, and now I have to think what I want? How is that fair? Not to mention that I have to brag about how awesome I am, when all I want to do is to crawl into a hole with a blanket and a bottle of wine. And maybe a chocolate bar. With nougat. And peanut butter.

I talk to my therapist a lot about this no man’s land of a job search. My therapist is patient and reassuring, much like I wish myself to be. But I am not. So I pay someone else to be. (Of course, therapy is more than patience and reassurance– there’s productive stuff that happens too. But realistically, at this point, most of my struggle is holding space with uncertainty, so patience and reassurance is on the menu.)

I don’t even have the energy to tell an anecdote about my life like I normally do, and wrap it up in a pithy lesson. Life just sucks here right now.

Here are some losses:

• my kids are visiting their grandparents, which is nice, but I’m a bit lonely about it
• I thought I was going to hear about a job today, but I didn’t
• I bought shoes in the wrong size and will have to return them
• My arm fat chafes on my bra when I go for a walk
• I am almost out of Chinese food, from when I Skip’d it yesterday
• My IBS is roaring back to life, due to all my stress
• I had a bad sleep last night, thinking I was going to hear about the job today

But all is not lost. Here are some wins:

• I walked 12k today, and didn’t get any thigh chafing (even though I got arm chafing)
• I am drinking wine
• I ordered a can of Pillsbury cinnamon buns, which I have a crazy craving for right now
• I am texting memes and animal pictures with my BFF, who is currently in an AirBNB in a renovated grain elevator
• I’m watching Fall of the House of Usher on Netflix– it’s cringe and full of Edgar Allen Poe references, which I love, and the acting’s pretty good, too
• I can keep applying for jobs, and hopefully find one soon

All told, I know I have more wins than losses, but it feels like a giant flashing NIL in my life right now. I feel like my whole life right now is inside my head, and nothing is happening outside of the four walls of my mind.

There’s part of me that tells me I should be thankful for things like having a roof over my head and food in my belly. This is true, but like, do we put pressure on men to be thankful for shit like this? Should I be thankful for the bare basics while my ambitions are neglected? I am ambitious– I’m hard-working, I’m smart, I’m skilled. But most people don’t see those things because I am a disabled single mom. In those people’s minds, my story has already been told, and its conclusion is foregone.

It’s a frightening thought. I hate thinking that people have already told my whole story without me. And because they’ve decided how it will end, they feel no camaraderie. She made her choices. That is true, of course. Like everyone else. But somehow, my choices weigh more heavily than others’.

And here I am, tallying my L & W score card and eating leftover Chinese food. All in all, it’s not the worst thing possible. My accounts (both literal and figurative) are in the black, and that is something worth being thankful for.

I know that I will tell my own story, and I won’t wait for others to tell it. I will have an awesome story to tell. This is just a slow chapter. I know it’ll pick up in the next one.