Awesome Disabled

(4 minute read: CW: mental illness, panic, anxiety)

I think I have emotional constipation.

Life goes on, and I keep thinking that I’m processing my feelings as I go.

Morgan Freeman voice: Amy was not processing their feelings as they go.

It feels like every so often I get emotional diarrhea, where all of my feelings come out all at once. I can feel my feelings all over my body, like someone threw a handful of bouncy balls inside my body. They are just bouncing around all over the place, and I don’t know what to do with them.

I think the real answer is that I don’t need to know what to do with them– I can just let them bounce around. But it feels bad, and I don’t like it.

I’m having one of those days right now. I had a great day yesterday, but then my brain decided to have a blowout, and I had a big feeling tsunami. A lot has been out of my control lately, and I think that’s what it was. I panicked all evening, then went to sleep, and woke up in a panic at 4:30 am. I tried to settle myself down like I did when I was camping, but it wasn’t working. So I just hunkered down to weather the storm.

Luckily, I don’t have work today, so I’m still weathering the storm. I’m slowing myself w-a-y down and being extra-present with myself. I’ve put lots of effort into being kind to myself in moments like this, where I used to be judgmental and harsh with myself. I don’t feel judgement right now– just a whole lotta other shit. So I guess that’s a win.

So I’m making it a day of comfort and rest. I know that I will benefit long-term from taking this time today, rather than to try to push it away. I toasted up some freezer waffles and am marathoning an old season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. When the storm is coming, there’s nothing else to do but batten down the hatches and rest in place.

Slowly, I’m feeling better. I can feel a smile on my face sometimes, and that’s nice. My body feels painful and exhausted, but strong enough to get through.

I remember a quote from Mooji: “Feelings are just visitors; let them come and go.” I’ve been letting my feelings come and go as much as I can. Mostly they’re staying, but they might go soon. I guess time will tell.

The feelings are gonna be here whether I try to lock them out or not. The only difference is what I’m willing to lock away with them. I remember seeing a video by Sonya Renee Taylor (writer of The Body is Not an Apology), and she talked about the blessings in a locked closet. The closet is full of closed boxes, and in order to get the blessings, you need to open the closet and start opening the boxes. The problem is that many boxes have shames, have painful feelings, and all the things we generally try to keep locked up.

Part of healing us opening up that closet and pulling out each box, opening them one by one. That’s how we can allow ourselves the full blessings in life. And it’s really fekking hard work.

Now, a few hours later, I’ve managed to be present with myself without blame or harshness, and I am on the upswing. My nervous system is back to a more settled state, which feels good. I managed to get a nap this afternoon, and I did my physiotherapy exercises.

I sometimes feel like a failure when I have a day like this. It becomes easy to broaden out my camera scope and start seeing everything in my life as a failure. I didn’t do that this time– I felt like I could see my strengths and weaknesses pretty accurately, even through all the nonsense. It’s kind of like a cleanse, really– an emotional detox. My emotional kidneys have been working hard to get all this stuff out of my system.

I need to trust that my emotional detox is working, even in the middle of all the crap. Sometimes the most effective thing I can do for my long-term wellbeing is to have a day like this. This past year has covered a butt-ton of emotional ground for me, so I think it makes sense that it all comes out in a messy way like this.

Now I’m gonna have an amazing sleep, and I’m gonna wake up refreshed and ready for a new day tomorrow. We got this. It’s gonna be okay.